White people and dieting, Alli

October 3, 2009

 White people get desperate about losing weight.  They will do almost anything except the obvious.  Eat less and exercise.  They want to avoid that at all cost.  Or the other thing some African Americans might do.  Just decide to be okay with themselves.  No, white people are constantly on the search for the ideal pill they can take that will make them thin without exercise or diet.  The ideal pill works like this. 

1. You eat whatever you want.
2. You continue to eat fast food every day
3. You continue to be a slob and not exercise
4. You look like Charlie’s Angels or James Bond.  Men/women adore you. Your life is perfect.

 It’s basically how Americans think anyway, but White people are always some hyper version of everything that’s wrong with America.  The life, liberty and pursuit of happiness thing is taken way too far by White America.  What we want is to have happiness now.  Immediately.  What Americans usually say when they go into a dojo:  How soon can I have a black belt?  Six months?  Nine months?  By my next birthday?  The question is supposed to be can I make a lifetime practice of martial arts, but that really isn’t what most Americans have in mind.  Lifetime?  We can’t think until next week. 

 Alli is a weight loss drug that literally makes you lose it in your shorts.  The makers of Alli suggest that you wear dark pants and never be without an extra set of pants.  Because at any time, you might just start to lose it.  This is a drug that works by having you need to use the restroom unexpectedly at any time.  While sleeping, while at work.  While in bed.  Let me repeat that.  While in bed.  While in a restaurant.   At any time while taking this drug Alli can begin to flush your body of fat deposits.  Now, we all want to be flushed of fat deposits.  But if the manufacturer tells you that you need to take extra clothing with you everywhere and you decide to use the drug anyway, you are really desperate.  According to the Mayo Clinic, Alli will help you lose about three pounds a year.   http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/alli/WT00030

 It is hard to imagine an African American person putting themselves through carrying around a suitcase of extra clothes so they could lose three pounds.  They would laugh, they would just carry those extra pounds with pride and have enough self respect to not be using a drug that would make them lose control of themselves.  Alli is the third top selling obesity drug according to Nutra USA.  Americans like the easy way out.  Lap band, happiness in a pill.  Prozac.  Soma.  That’s what we really need is Soma.  A world in which we could all look like Ken and Barbie and take Soma.  And talk in perfectly formed sentences.  Like White people do on Friends.  Friends is the show that Asians watch in Third World countries when they want to know how White people live, act, dress.  But I digress. 

 White people fight against their bodies and do not accept them, but won’t do the logical thing to change them.  Just exercise.  Stop eating fast food, stop going to chain restaurants.  They will only make you fatter.  Eat at home or if you eat out, eat at a normal place that serves normal portions where they are actually cooking.  But try to learn to cook simply at home.  Get up every morning and move your body.  It’s the only one you have, enjoy it.  Find something you enjoy doing with it that involves movement.  (I know where your minds are going my dear readers because I am thinking too… but that’s probably not going to be enough cardio even for randy people like us, we do have to run, walk, swim, fly too.) 

 Taking pills is not going to solve our problems.   Alli is a perfect example of everything that is stupid about White America.  Remember that famous joke about the pirate ship?  It goes like this.  The captain of the ship, whenever they are being attacked by pirates calls out to his First Mate, Bring out my Red Shirt!  Finally, the First Mate asks, Why, when we are about to be attacked by pirates do you ask for your red shirt? 

            Why, Matie, the Captain says, so that when we are in the heat of the battle and my body is streaming with blood from them vicious pirates’ lances, no one will lose heart.  Well, the First Mate is impressed with his Captain’s bravery and just then he sees not one, but two pirate ships bearing down on them. 

Two ships, Captain, he cries out, Two ships. 

And the Captain shouts out, Bring out my brown trousers!